non-existent

"I believe I am holding onto something that is no longer there"

undefined love.

It's christmas.



Christmas being one of the most amazing times of the year, filled with love and happiness, seems to have taken a different turn this year.
Not that we lack love or happiness, but I have gained a feeling of loneliness and sadness.
The people I love the most seem to be sitting through a tough time, being part of this isn't easy.
I cherish them in every way possible, but I see my level of happiness falling down, slowly.
I have a continuous ache in my stomach that doesn't seem to want to leave me alone.
An ache that resembles feeling nervous, but then continuously, and not being able to enjoy moments that are full of fun.
I had the most amazing christmas meal today, but it didn't feel right.
My body doesn't feel right, and I am not sure of what to do.
I feel powerless, and like I am losing this fight.
I hope I am wrong, because I know it'll tear me apart from my head all the way down to my toes.
Please don't let me lose, please don't forget, just let us be who we are, and do what we do best when we're together.
You know it's the right choice.
x.

complicated..

I have started to realise how complicated my mind is.
I have also noticed that I am not completely happy, mainly with myself.
I am a shy person mainly because I am scared of disappointing people.
And the past few weeks I have disappointed myself with some of the smallest things..
But it tears me apart.
I feel completely useless because I expect too much, and I have the same with people around me.
I am in a continuous battle with myself. And it rubs off onto friendships and relationships.
My family left to France a couple of days ago, and I am so stressed because there are things I am doing (without anyones helps or support) and I am so scared of failing at it. I don't want to disappoint my family.
And it's slowly tearing me apart.
I don't know what to do, I feel like shy and am not content with anything I do.
I wish I was.
I miss you all terribly.
love, x.

what happened to spontaneity?
why do I have to be scheduled in every time I want to see you.
we have never just met up randomly, it's always a scheduled time, fuck that.
I am so not bothered right now, this way more difficult than I had anticipated.
as I said, I am tired of fighting.
tired of not feeling like your girlfriend, or that we are together for that matter.
doesn't feel like it should, at all.

"everyone is prepared to say goodbye to their parents, but no one is prepared to say goodbye to their children"
Those are the words from Stephanie Flores' fathers mouth.
So true, and he must have so much pain.
Fuck you Joran.

love,x.

why don't you be the artist and make me out of clay

some things are left unsaid, unnoticed, untouched.
and it's fun, it's interesting, but it's also difficult.
getting caught up in the attempt at deciphering the mind, the thoughts, the feelings.
it's a dangerous art, but once you become an expert at it you reduce the amount of problems.
but for me, it's difficult sometimes. and i am also hard to read.
i am not an open book, to anyone.
i don't want to be.
and i am not going to change for you.
you are just a person i love.
you are not my controller, nor do i abide by your rules.
i have my own.
you can't tell me what i can or can't do.
i learnt the difference between right and wrong from my father, so don't try to change that.
i don't appreciate it.

i'm done fighting, every night.

love, x.

Tracy Chapman; Time After Time

Lying in my bed
I hear the clock tick and think of you
Caught up in circles
Confusion is nothing new
Flashback
Warm nights almost left behind
Suitcase of memories
Time after

Sometimes you picture me
I'm walking too far ahead
You're calling to me
I can't hear what you've said
Then you say: "Go slow."
I fall behind
The second hand unwinds


If you're lost, you can look
And you will find me
Time after time
If you fall, I will catch you
I'll be waiting
Time after time

After my picture fades
And darkness has turned to gray
Watching through windows
You're wondering if I'm OK
Secrets stolen from deep inside
The drum beats out of time

If you're lost, you can look
And you will find me
Time after time
If you fall, I will catch you
I'll be waiting
Time after time

You say: "Go slow."
I fall behind
The second hand unwinds


If you're lost, you can look
And you will find me
Time after time
If you fall, I will catch you
I'll be waiting
Time after time

Tennessee Williams once said;

"When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone"

taking a step back.

I so often hear "everything is so busy right now".
It also escapes my mouth too often.
But really, if you think about it, you're not.
There is always time for family and friends, a quick coffee or just a chat on the phone.
But your day is never fully booked, never.

So often I hear "the world has become extremely fast paced".
It has, but that's because we made it that way.
We chose money and work over affection and care.
We chose to practically sleep at the office, or at school.
Because we strive to do well, but this is doing well in one aspect.
Doing well as a mother, father or even son or daughter is a different story.
Being a friend can even fall under this category.
We need to balance it.
We need to take that "step back" and breathe live and love.
Enjoy the life we lead, and not get cooped up in an office.

Of course providing for your family may require an income.
But really providing for a family is showing love.
Showing interest.
Showing you're there, forever.

It's the same for any relationship.
And person you cherish, they all deserve to know.
They all deserve you undivided attention.
They all want it.
So give it..

We need to combine the contradicting worlds.
We need to make one.
We need to find each other, to love each other.
And show it.
We need each other.
We need terror and happiness.
We need seriousness and creativity.
But we need them in equal amounts.
Rationality comes with emotionality.
Everything comes with its pair.
So learn to share..

Even yourself.

Love, x.

the truth.

If you keep letting me walk, and not letting me know you care, I may never come back.
I'll forever be wandering and living, but forever without you.
love, x.

the abnormal in combination with the real.

Don't you ever sit and wonder; what the hell am I doing?
I seem to ask myself this question about 20 times a day.
Why? I don't think I will ever figure out the answer to that question.

The abnormal & the realistic..
What the hell does that mean.
I could suggest to the oxford dictionary that they should put my picture next to the word abnormal, instead of some stupid definition. But that isn't what I mean.
The abnormal & realistic, in this case, refers to behaviour.
Being realistic, being rational and thinking before speaking; does that sound familiar?
Well to me it does, generally because I don't constantly talk; i think.
But I have noticed that many people don't.
And it causes so many problems; in fact marriages are broken, wars are started and people die because people don't think before they speak.
Had you ever thought about that; I know I have.
But then again I am, abnormal.

And for the fact that people don't think, they start assuming and stereotyping.
Without having lived anywhere else, or enjoyed the different cultures of poorer countries, they presume how life is there, how the people are there. And I can tell you, for a fact, that what you assume most of the time, isn't true.
Why not go out and talk to people, stop being so selfish and judgmental, no one is perfect, and everyone should be accepted by society one way or another.
I know that often people seem so harsh and rough, but often the people who have immigrated are like that, but their roots are just as lovely as the local people that live here.

Think before you speak.

Love, x.

audacity of huge

taking a chance. taking a leap. eloping to the other side of the world.
my hardest, most exciting, yet frivolous decision so far.
i ran away to New Zealand.
Why did i go?
Well i asked myself the same question over and over again, before i got on the plane - contemplating whether to turn around right then and there (whilst i was waiting to board) and run back home.
i didn't.

why not..
i had set myself a mission, subconsciously. craving answers from someone who was so far away from me, yet so near.
i wanted to know what the future looked like, understand what my mind was doing to me, and why.
what was the purpose of those sleepless nights, the continuous jealousy but also the beautiful tingling feeling at the pit of my stomach. did it even have a purpose?
all these thoughts had been running through my mind for 5 months, none of which had been concretely answered due to the distance between me and the subject at question.

but i arrived down under and was immediately confronted with an amazing lifestyle, one of which i was immediately jealous of.
having craved to escape holland for months, i immediately fell in love. i was content, my family, the sun, and being able to relax without having constant nagging from all sides. i didn't want to leave, ever.

the subjects at question arrived merely 3 days later, beautifully tanned arms immediately enveloped me into an embrace that didn't last long. i was nervous, felt awkward and was disorientated. was this really happening?
and it was.
the bond grew stronger over the next hours..laughing, fooling around - but everything was PG.
it was perfect.
the first kiss, the middle of the night, the middle of the playground. amazing.

the days passed by like seconds. soon enough it was time to say goodbye again.
questions still left unanswered, but the love was present. that was clear. but nothing else was..and it still isn't.
who knows where this may go, how long it'll continue and if it'll work.
i hope it does.
and continues to blossom..

uncertainties are what i live with for now.
and i'm fine.
its fine.
we're all fine.

the world is a big, beautiful place.
and im in the middle of it.
perfect.

x

<3

emily hereeeeeeee. i am chilling at may's house and she is working on a dress for school so i decided to make her a picture haha! took me like 2 minutes on photoshop but its all good :)
may is very cool, she's sweet and she's funny and she's beautiful! you should be jealous that you don't have her as a friend, and well you can't anyway because she is my friend!

loveeeeee x

dont's

As any ordinary person, we walk down the street from time to time. Well relatively often - possibly every day. At least in Amsterdam. Sometimes, I tend to wonder "did you not look in the mirror before you left?" or "does it not occur to you that it's -7 degrees outside?"
But maybe that is my outlook on certain things, I couldn't say.
Anywho, you know the boys/men who think that ugg's look good on them, or I'm sorry to say, redwings. Well, no. I think it looks ridiculous, I mean both are relatively awful looking when girls wear them (I have to admit that I am one who favours uggs), but really, who decided that boys should follow that trend too. Especially jeans tucked into boots - it's a no go boys.
Another thing are those tacky girls with their fake-fur coats, roaming the streets with their bleached blonde hair and nails painted perfectly with leopard print - I mean, really?
They walk the streets in packs, clones of each other. What happened to originality and expressing personality through clothing, colours and textures. That's what I miss when I went to school in Hilversum - the individuality was completely swallowed up by a black-hole. Which resulted in an on-going line of long-haired, skinny-jean-and-ugg-wearing girls. How boring? Yes, i agree completely.
But once moved into Amsterdam, there is life, there is freedom, and their is personality. Everywhere. All kinds of people, from all corners of the world. That's heavenly.

the tendency to love

apparently, love defines who we are. what we do. how we behave, and so on..

but can we believe this to be true, this assumption, the crazy conclusion that someone pulled?

i don't know.

i loved someone once. a boy.

when i was 14, my first love, my first kiss, my first real boyfriend.

what an amazing experience, an abundance of feelings. a rush of excitement whenever you see, hear, smell, feel him. this feeling, a feeling that cannot be replaced in any shape or a form. a memory that cannot be erased, even in the greatest attempts to. a shame? no.

an experience that should be cherished and told to ones grandchildren.

i think about him often, but more often than not do i think about my second love.

this tall, dark-haired, light-eyed God of a boy. whether the feeling is still mutual, is the question, whether i still feel the same, is another question.

but the beauty of it all, are the gained experiences.